Exposé ( Not Really) #1: Cleaning Out Your Closet

Let me be honest with you. I haven't done spring cleaning in a while. In fact, I think I may only recall one particular time that I ever did something vaguely similar to spring cleaning, and that was when I spent my spring break manually downsizing the cherry tree in my backyard with a handsaw in some sort of spontaneous George Washington-inspired burst of idiocy. Not really the traditional type of cleaning, but oh well.

So what saves me from the pathetic death of the cliché pile of junk falling on top of me whenever I open a closet in my house? I'll tell you what. It's the superhuman power of overcoming the miser in all of us that only comes with many hours of inner fighting. I come to my conclusion: Spring cleaning? Don't waste your break! Summer cleaning is the way to go.

Why summer? Aren't we all busy in some way? Well. Let me explain with a simple flowchart. (If you're pretty much unoccupied during the summer months, move on.)

The flowchart pretty much has you cornered. Besides, you're going to have to do it sooner or later. Do you really want to have to deal with the consequences? Choose from the following:

1) You're going to feel disgusted with yourself about the squalor that you're wallowing in, or
2) You're going to feel compelled to clean because your house is starting to smell funky, or
3) Your date is going to visit your swingin' pad and never give you that call back.

I've found that boredom is just one of the side effects that many suffer from as the hot, lazy summer days drag on. Why not better your living space as well as finally get rid of that stinkin' pile of underwear on your bedroom floor?

Besides, you cannot fathom how much crap you have lying around that could not possibly be more at home than in a garbage can- but I'm not a heartless monster either. Every year I ache inside when I begin my painful filter of what to keep and what to toss out, but who am I kidding? My house is for living in, not for storing useless stuff in. With the many hours that summer will inevitably provide you, you too can find it within yourself to let go of this tattered sweater or that old computer keyboard (The one you spilt Dr. Pepper all over). Because - let's face it!- when the hell are you ever going to use those things again anyway?

Of course, you can always hold a garage sale instead of just donating or throwing the items away. However, you should be prepared for a few things, among which include possibly being a victim of a robbery, being stared at mercilessly by passerby and sobbing uncontrollably at your miniscule earnings after the countless hours of sweat, blood and heaving heavy things around that were put in. But hey! - look on the bright side. You can probably still buy a Slurpee with the money.

Whatever you decide to do with your dust-gathering junk, you'll have a clean house and nothing's better than that. (Actually, a lot of things are better, but for the purpose of this exposé let's just go with what I said earlier.) So remember these words when you're re-enacting the life of a unkempt compost mound on your hot sofa in front of the idiot box one day: Clean up.