Advice to Boys: Part I. I'm talking to you, Shaggy.
I know it isn't a recent production of yours...but are you trying to screw over the male population with your hit song featuring Ricardo Ducent, "It Wasn't Me"?
Boys, I am going to do you a favour RIGHT NOW. I don't want to insinuate that I am pro-twotimer, but Shaggy's song is just...I can't even...wow. This song actually makes me WANT to teach guys how to cheat properly.
Okay, perhaps I should reword that last sentence. Just to counter the horrible ramifications that this song must have had upon the male demographic of the English-speaking world (given that the translators were too busy ROFLing to translate this song into other languages, GOD WILLING), I would like to teach guys what NOT to say if they get caught "creeping" with someone other than your designated significant other.
Namely, the title of this song.
"It wasn't me" is just about the most ineffective, lamest, most pathetic thing a guy can say after he gets "caught red-handed" doing the horizontal tango with some ho(e). It's not even rational. No girl will ever take that as a valid excuse, MUCH LESS let you off the hook.
Let's take a look at the lyrics:
"Honey came in and she caught me red-handed,
Creeping with the girl next door.
Picture this, (insert horrendous, gratuitous verbal description of crude sex, and trust me, you so do not want to picture Ricardo Ducent doing this).
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key?
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me."
This is the predicament that one of Shaggy's double-timing apprentices presents the boss with. The patented Shaggy Solution?
"It wasn't me."
NO, SHAGGY, NO!
Boys, when she walks in on you IN THE ACT, please do not say "it wasn't me".
"Uh, hi there! Look, I know I TOTALLY look like me right now, but trust me when I say I am not me right now."
...
I think I might physically explode if I further attempt to put the feelings I have about "It Wasn't Me" into words. This song is so ridiculous that I had to actually justify it being a popular hit by drafting the following theory up.
Shaggy is actually trying to teach men not to cheat by showing them the hard way. When they try to use Shaggy's advice and the affronted girlfriend (1) beats him to a pulp and (2) leaves him, he'll renounce Shaggy as his foster godfather-slash-pimp-advisor. But Shaggy will shed a single tear as all his protégés, one by one, turn away from him and he'll whisper to himself, "You'll understand when you're older."
God, that's beautiful.
Oh, a moral? Right. Don't cheat, stupid.
Boys, I am going to do you a favour RIGHT NOW. I don't want to insinuate that I am pro-twotimer, but Shaggy's song is just...I can't even...wow. This song actually makes me WANT to teach guys how to cheat properly.
Okay, perhaps I should reword that last sentence. Just to counter the horrible ramifications that this song must have had upon the male demographic of the English-speaking world (given that the translators were too busy ROFLing to translate this song into other languages, GOD WILLING), I would like to teach guys what NOT to say if they get caught "creeping" with someone other than your designated significant other.
Namely, the title of this song.
"It wasn't me" is just about the most ineffective, lamest, most pathetic thing a guy can say after he gets "caught red-handed" doing the horizontal tango with some ho(e). It's not even rational. No girl will ever take that as a valid excuse, MUCH LESS let you off the hook.
Let's take a look at the lyrics:
"Honey came in and she caught me red-handed,
Creeping with the girl next door.
Picture this, (insert horrendous, gratuitous verbal description of crude sex, and trust me, you so do not want to picture Ricardo Ducent doing this
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key?
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me."
This is the predicament that one of Shaggy's double-timing apprentices presents the boss with. The patented Shaggy Solution?
"It wasn't me."
NO, SHAGGY, NO!
Boys, when she walks in on you IN THE ACT, please do not say "it wasn't me".
"Uh, hi there! Look, I know I TOTALLY look like me right now, but trust me when I say I am not me right now."
...
I think I might physically explode if I further attempt to put the feelings I have about "It Wasn't Me" into words. This song is so ridiculous that I had to actually justify it being a popular hit by drafting the following theory up.
Shaggy is actually trying to teach men not to cheat by showing them the hard way. When they try to use Shaggy's advice and the affronted girlfriend (1) beats him to a pulp and (2) leaves him, he'll renounce Shaggy as his foster godfather-slash-pimp-advisor. But Shaggy will shed a single tear as all his protégés, one by one, turn away from him and he'll whisper to himself, "You'll understand when you're older."
God, that's beautiful.
Oh, a moral? Right. Don't cheat, stupid.
posted by redherring at 1:12 PM
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